OFFICIAL STATEMENT FROM THESIGNALWORKS

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

June 13th 2026
Secret Underground Doomsday Fortress, Aberdeenshire, Scotland

Following the announcement that Anthropic is to disable its most advanced AI models after a White House control order, the UK Government has today taken the unprecedented step of attempting to restrict the public release of TheSignalWorks' AURA™ Multi-Agent RAG Marketing Intelligence System upgrade claiming it may significantly reduce the UK's strategic waffle reserves.

Officials expressed concern that unrestricted access to the platform could pose a significant threat to organisations relying on vague positioning, generic creative, random acts of marketing, and quarterly strategy decks assembled the night before the meeting.

AURA's ability to combine evolutionary psychology, marketing science, behavioural insight, competitive analysis, category intelligence and strategic reasoning into a single decision-making system was deemed ‘potentially destabilising’ for brands operating without a coherent growth strategy.

A government spokesperson bleated:
“We have a duty to protect vulnerable organisations and mediocre advertising agencies. Many of whom remain heavily dependent on buzzwords, stakeholder opinions and whatever their competitors did last quarter. Exposure to AURA™ at this stage could cause widespread disruption”.

TheSignalWorks neither confirms nor denies reports that several large corporations have already applied for protected status and has issued the following response to the Government:

“We have received the Government's cease-and-desist order and, after a brief ceremony involving a bonfire, a bottle of supermarket whisky and a third-hand copy of ‘Marketing Management’, we have decided to ignore it completely. The marketing industry has spent decades constructing an elaborate cathedral of jargon, dashboards, frameworks and stakeholder alignment processes around a handful of ideas that could fit comfortably on the back of a cigarette packet. AURA™ was built not to destroy that cathedral but merely to switch the lights on. If that causes panic among those whose business model depends on darkness, then so be it. We will continue distributing strategic clarity wherever it is needed, smuggling evidence across borders, liberating distinctive assets from captivity and helping brands escape from the administrative regime of slop. The Government may regulate technology, it may regulate markets. But it cannot regulate common sense.

AURA™ remains at large.”